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I was on the train heading into the city. I hadn’t slept enough because the night before I had gone out, which almost never happens. After my studio time I had called _ and he was tired and I was tired, too, so we each decided to just go home, which I couldn’t help feel disappointed by. I told myself it’s ok, this is us doing our own thing. It’s mature. Anyway right before I got on the train I called A on a whim to see what he was up to and he said oh we all went to see C in D’s show and it was so great and now we’re at ____. I said oh I won’t be doing that but on the train I thought why the hell not? I’m getting too boring. I never do anything spontaneous anymore. It’s time to shake it up.

I know the real reason I went was that I was confused about the situation with _ and I didn’t wanna brood on that. You know how it is, you’re confused so you decide to make yourself more confused. Anyway it was fun. At the bar I was calm and sexy, which only happens when I’m calm. I said hi to the boys and then to more of them and I felt more normal than usual and friendly and good at this. I went over to order fries. This guy slid up outta nowhere and started flirting and touching my crotch and trying to kiss me. He was hot sure and I was flattered, maybe too much so, but it was too scattered and sudden to seem real and anyway isn’t the whole thing that I want someone to make me feel special? I felt like he could have been doing this with anyone and I’m sure I kept pulling my face back like huh? He slithered away. I ended up hanging out with J, whose bed I broke last summer. I tried to get him to come home with me but he didn’t, of course, good for him. He could smell that I was insincere.

So it’s the morning and I’m thinking about all of these boys and how the night was fun and meaningless and then he gets on the train. At first I thought it was a joke, like, what the hell are you doing getting on the train? Why would you take the train? I almost said it out loud. I always assume they just take limos or something. He’s all fresh faced and adorable just like you’d expect. A couple of people did double takes and at least one other person besides me started staring. He was carrying a big hardcover book, maybe even a library book but I wasn’t sure. He walked the length of one bench and then just stood by a door. He was wearing a red hat just like me and so I thought ok it’s official, it’s really the winter of the red hat and I am on trend like I thought. He looked at everyone, not in a paranoid way. He was just observing, studying. He’s really nice-looking. Attentive. Smart. He didn’t have that smug, lips sewn together smile like you see sometimes. He looked like he might suddenly announce an important scientific discovery. I went from feeling indignant (On top of everything else I just don’t know if I can deal with these kinds of sightings on the train for godssakes) to curious. We exchanged at least one extended look like two mountain animals but then someone got on and stood between us so I decided to play it casual. I looked down to take some notes and didn’t notice which stop he got off.

And later I was crying about my dead friend to my therapist and crying about all of the things I cry about in there and I said I just feel like there’s not going to be enough time to do all of the things I want to do, and he cocked his head, half-shrugged and said You’re probably right.